I am a PICU nurse and these are my stories, experiences, and most importantly, my life. Names have been changed to protect those whom I have encountered. I live in a world that not many people understand; however, I know that I am not alone in how I think and feel. We are a tribe who take care of the acutely ill pediatric population. We all found our way here in different ways and are involved with this population for many different reasons. We all have things that we carry with us; it comes with the territory. Many of us have a little metaphorical box where we lock away our emotions so that we can get through the situations we experience. We do this so we can function, do our job, and continue to go un-phased by tragedies so horrific, most people cannot even stand to listen to our work tails. We see things no human ever should and we experience this everyday we walk through those hospital doors.
What happens when the metaphorical box stops working? What happens when you stop feeling human because you are so used to shutting your emotions down? Some may call this burnout, others may refer to this as a form of PTSD. Whatever you want to call it, you eventually get to a point where you have to let something out. This is my attempt to find a new coping mechanism; a way to let myself free and start to feel again. Perhaps, with the help of this blog, I can start to be me again.